Hard working, stretching, grasping puns
0. Why can a man never starve in the Great Desert? Because he can eat the sand which is there. But what brought the sandwiches there? Why, Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred.
1. A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
2. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc."
3. A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
4. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
5. An old Indian chief had a stomach ache that wouldn't go away. He summoned the medicine man. The medicine man gave him a leather thong, two feet long. "Chew on the thong every day for 20 minutes, until you've eaten the whole thing, and you will be cured." The old chief took weeks to finally eat the whole thing, but still had the stomachache. So he summoned the medicine man again. "Did you eat the thong"", asked the medicine man. The chief replied, "Yes, the thong is gone, but the malady lingers on."
6. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I m a teepee; then I m a wigwam; then I m a teepee; then I m a wigwam. It s driving me crazy. What s wrong with me?" The doctor replied: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
7. A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome"" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
8. An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
9. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied a lion asleep on the road. Afraid to wake the lion, he gingerly stepped over him. Immediately, he was confronted by two FBI agents and arrested. The charge: violation of the Mann Act - -i.e., transporting gulls across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises.
10.Keats and Chapman were walking through the Jewish neighborhood of Dublin one day, when they met a mutual friend, Paddy O'Cohen. All stopped to have a little talk, which turned to the conditions in the Near East. O'Cohen delivered strong opinions on the need for security and expressed his strong support for the policies of the Israeli government. Keats and Chapman each offered slightly differing opinions, but all were on cordial terms, and O'Cohen went his way.After a moment, Keats commented on the great feeling of israelity which O’Cohen had. But Chapman demurred: "What isreality?" he asked.
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