Ah, Computers!


A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. --Joseph Campbell

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. --Mitch Ratliffe

A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs. --Solomon Short

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. --IBM maintenance manual, 1925

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. --Pablo Picasso

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf. --Sam Ewing

Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins.--Robert Heinlein (in "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress")

Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. --Jeff Pesis

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods. --Geraldine Ferraro

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either. --Marvin Minsky

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. --Jack Handey

There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. --J.H. Goldfuss

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction. --Janet Reno

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. --Nathaniel Borenstein

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. --Robert Orben

Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. -- Gene Spafford

Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now! --Homer Simpson

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