Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
Jesus died for my sins and all i got was this lousy t-shirt
The gene pool could use a little chlorine
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear
Give me ambiguity or give me something else
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps
i souport publik edekasion
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off