1-800-PSYCHE
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
* If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.