As the Temperature Reads...


60 degrees: Texans put their sweaters on.

50 degrees: Miami residents turn on the heat.

45 degrees: Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

40 degrees: You can see your breath. Texans shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.

35 degrees: Italian cars don't start.

32 degrees: Water freezes.

30 degrees: You plan your vacation in Australia.

25 degrees: Ohio water freezes. Texans weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.

20 degrees: Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther south.

15 degrees: French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10 degrees: You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 degrees: American cars don't start.

0 degrees: Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 degrees: German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you step outside.

-15 degrees: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 degrees: Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.

-25 degrees: Too cold to think you need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 degrees: You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.

-40 degrees: Texans disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweater. Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 degrees: Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 degrees: Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 degrees: Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 degrees: Hell freezes over. Clinton finally tells all.